Most people say they want feedback on their performance and, research suggests, many employees would like it more frequently. So why is there often an accompanying sense of dread associated with receiving feedback? How might one take feedback, filter through the internal and external biases that impact it, to extract the maximum benefit and know exactly how to take an action step forward? I will share step by step process to do just that but first, here are a few reasons why feedback can be so difficult in the first place.

Our brain functions with a built in mechanism known as negativity bias. The brain’s natural state is to gravitate towards negative information at the expense of positive information. This “flaw” is simply a byproduct of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution during much of which, it was quite helpful to be hyper aware of potential dangers and threats (i.e. saber-toothed tigers). While this development ensured the survival of our species, it has its downsides in the modern work environment.

Negative feedback can trigger us emotionally and cause us to obsess over it instead of figuring out how to turn insight into action. Positive feedback suffers as well when we brush our strengths under the rug, chalk them up to luck or just miss them all together when praise is delivered at the same time as criticism.

Further complicating matters, we may not all receive the same quality of feedback. Evidence suggests that women are apt to get less actionable and more personality based feedback. A 2014 study, drawing its data from the tech industry, indicated that irrespective of the gender of the manager, women employees were significantly more likely to receive critical, personality based feedback, much of it under the umbrella of “abrasiveness.” Men on the other hand, were more likely to receive critical feedback along with specific suggestions about skills to develop.

Regardless of statistical generalization, no individual is immune from receiving feedback from which it is unclear how to move forward productively. This is why I created a step by step Feedback Filter that anyone can use to bypass the amygdala with its negativity bias, and use the rational neocortex to process the information and translate it into action.

The Feedback Filter Method:

Step 1: What was said?

It’s critical to start from a place of what was actually said without your own interpretation and spin. If possible, isolate the feedback into two parts, the behavior referenced and the impact of that behavior. This helps separate the objective information (behavior) with the subjective information (impact). For example, you hear “when you interrupted me in the meeting I felt that you devalued my ideas.” Objective behavior: I interrupted someone, subjective impact: they felt devalued. If my colleagues feeling empowered is important to me, I can then choose to modify what is in my control, my behavior.

Step 2: What does this tell me about how I’m currently showing up in the world?

The important piece of this step is that it sits squarely in the present. While it’s very important to acknowledge honestly where we are today, recognize that today is just a moment in time and does not need to define us forever. Embrace growth mindset and realize that yesterday’s interrupters can become tomorrow’s greatest listeners.

Step 3: What does this tell me about the other person or the organization at large?

Since feedback is a human to human endeavor, it is inherently subjective. One person’s “abrasive” might be another person’s “determined.” Acknowledge what, if anything, the feedback tells you about the deliverer. Over time, you may also start seeing a pattern that will illuminate the implicit values of the organization of which you are a part. With this knowledge, you empower yourself to make decisions about your long term fit in any given environment.

Step 4: What stories is my mind telling me about this? Are they true?

Humans are powerful meaning makers. The brain creates narratives around situations and when you receive feedback, it might trigger one that’s not particularly helpful. These stories can run on a loop so quietly in the background that they’re easy to miss. When you train your brain to pick up on them you find they fall apart quite quickly upon examination. Just the simple exercise of asking is this true, often strips their power.

Step 5. What actions do I choose to take?

Here is where the rubber meets the road. You’ve shifted from operating in your fight or flight default mode into your rational processing capacity and you’ve got clarity around the what’s happening at present. Now you get to ask yourself, what do I want to be different? Since you are in the driver’s seat around behavior, actions, choices and even thoughts, you get to decide what exactly, concretely you will do differently. What you cannot control is the outcome of those behaviors so be open to experimentation in terms of what you will try in order to iterate into the results you’re looking for.

Step 6. How are these actions aligned with my overall purpose?

One could complete steps 1–5 and walk away with a great plan of action so why this last step? Research indicates that for any change to be sustainable one must be self-motivated and the easiest way to increase motivation is to define and connect with meaning or purpose. Once you know what action you are taking moving forward, ask yourself how does this align with my overall purpose and values? When the action is clarified and the purpose is defined, only then are you able to take what was at first just simple feedback and alchemize it into meaningful, aligned action in service of becoming your best self.